moving in with mom after dad died

Its like all of you say the wounds are re-opened He is so blissfully happy. She just really did not know what to do and spent a lot of time just Drifting about. My mother died suddenly in November 2014. All of your comments here are like echoes of my own situation. I feel that I am considered an outcast within the family because I cant accept it. Meanwhile she is living in my mother's house to the objection of the rest of her siblings and is not paying any rent. Sometimes youre sailing smooth, and sometimes you get stuck in the mud. They can not commit 100% to you. NTA. Your children are there, but they are not there. We maintain the house, pay all the bills and its our home. Your dad died! After all, his needs werent being met. WebThe first. I am an only daughter. She acted as though she got offended over that. Incidentally, upon hearing I had taken the pills my father said two things. So much so that even when you spent time alone with him, he wasnt really there in spirit. He goes to dancing every Tues night. She spoke with great detail about a moment when she was riding the subway with her dad and chose to keep her headphones in as he was trying to speak to her about his faith. This was a 6.5 year period yikes. That is what mom wanted and he has failed miserably in the 6 months since her death. I felt that Dad was not supportive & after my mom death He drifted further . For us, when my dad died, my mother was grief-stricken for almost 10 years afterwards. We told my dad and his fiance how happy we were for them, and we were. It would have been nice to have really gotten closer to Dad but that is simply not to be, It takes two people to want a relationship to work. When my own father passed away in July 2018, after a seven year battle with multiple myeloma, a cancer of plasma cells, it shifted my notion of grief. My mom passed away in February & the woman that came knocking at my front door was my moms first cousin. While so many people say that life doesnt stop when a spouse dies, what so many people dont get is, the choices the remaining spouse makes not just affects them, but their ENTIRE FAMILY. I know its not easy i honestly dont know how it ever could be cause lets face it we want our mom and dads together but who is anyone else to say when its right? I felt at one point I could not cope. Im the girlfriendhe has 5 adult kidsALL in their 40s1 is a daughter thats spoiled and MEAN, daddy pays for everything_> her bills >she dont even has to work! I realize that the surviving partner may not be used to being alone and may feel the need to begin dating before the rest of the family is ready but it is important for them to take into consideration how the other family members feel about it if they dont want to damage their current relationships. Dont do it only for appeasing the feeling of familial obligations. So, as a girlfriend, find a man that does not hurt his own children for the sake of a woman who was never the mother of his children and use the excuse of making him happy, time does not matter, and who cares about the fact that you have impacted in a very negative and damaging way the relationship in a family. Immediately after his passing, I sent a mass email blind copying friends and family notifying them of my fathers death. My kids were disappointed that they didnt see him that much. Margaret "Maggie" Murdaugh and her 22-year-old son Paul were both killed in June 2021. My dad does not see any of that and trust this woman who can barely put three words in English together without looking in a dictionary. The reality that my Widower Boyfriend (WBF) was deeply involved with someone (me) other than their mother was a shock for the AC. Perhaps just go out with death and this will never an unhappy outcome. For. my mother had a dying wish for her ashes to be dispersed of in a specific manor and there was a plan to do this but now it has changed and i belive its because of new plans my father has made with his new girlfriend. Hes now decided to let his girlfriend move into our family mountain house. I mean after all hes not just bringing her into his life, but mine as well. We are doing our best to cope with things. He has 3 children.D 14, S 18, S 22. He has been spending a lot of time with my aunt my moms sister. Ever since we lost Mom, I have felt like I no longer belong in my family, and this just makes it worse. Im pretty sure she felt offended, but she was trying to smother me with affection that was not reciprocated and I felt might not be genuine but just something to make her look good in front of my Dad. To say that the girlfriend is a hot mess would be an understatement. I dont know if this situation will ever be reparable. She thought she was doing my Dad a favor, but she was supposed to have been a friend to my mother too! The worst part is that I cant even say anything because I dont want to embarrass him or start a fight. We are so happy and today is the day we get to celebrate us. My dad sped up the selling of the house and ended up moving in with his girl friend in May after I graduated. Dear Girlfriend, that is all fine & after a respectful time (my definition of this would be 6 months or more), than go for the intimate stuff. My dad at times had his head down as if he were ashamed or saddened to hear my pained feelings. Otherwise, you need to step back. I told him I wasnt ready to meet her so he set it up that when I came to visit him last night in the hospital she was there. This happened twice before he moved back home for good. I lost my mom to septic shock after routine gallbladder surgery at the end of October, 09. My father nervously said, You know- this isnt a mail order bride situation or anything, you know and laughed nervously. I know! When he is sick, hell check in daily for advice(were health professionals) but otherwise, it seems an effort to check in . One week THIS was what she was going to do, the next week THAT. I thought this was ok since he was alone and needed someone to talk to so he wouldnt be out of his mind. I didnt know any of this until he left. He would just come by and drop off boxes and boxes of pictures and not go thru them. I have watched her manipulate my fathers time, and talk him into marriage with only 3 months of dating. Remember, your father has made a choice. From the beginning, Ellen and her mother who was still alive at the time were very pushy with me in terms of trying to establish a relationship that I just simply was not ready for as it was too soon and I had not had time to grieve my Mom. My mom started dating someone just after Christmas and it came as a shock to me because within the weeks prior to Christmas she stated that she wasnt ready to date anyone yet. I don't know if it helps, but if you do ever want to just spout out, feel free to PM me. Now married with 2 daughters of my own the pain was relived when I saw as an adult how terrible it would have been for my girls to have suffered as I did.I cannot comprehend how they could be so insensitive to his daughters sufferings and especially me as a 13 year old living at home. We have been trying to talk to him. Your husband sounds lovely and supportive and it will be hard for him to witness your pain and to know he cannot prevent it. Truly let go of anger, regret, fear and sadness anything holding you down. I know jealousy is very likely, but my mom and dad were married 48 years and I was very close to my mom. It is not easy for women to find a good man, and to be honest it is not easy for a man to find a good woman. I saw my dad smile for the first time since right before that dreaded day in the emergency room. I found all of this out the first day of my last semester in college. I am a 45 yr old man who lost his wife of 18 years and partner for over 23 yrs after a long battle with cancer. It started even before she died! This was hard on me and because I was taking it so bad, my mom began to too. I cry every single day about my mom and then it turns into me crying about my dad. When I wasnt in class, I was in the hospital talking to mom, watching her sleep, and helping her stay comfortable. there is nothing you can say, but a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen will always help. Long. No one could fail to see the pain and suffering Todd has endured.My husbands Dad shot himself when my husband was 14 so I know the huge impact this would have on the children and those left behind. This situation has eaten up so much of my life and energy that I would have loved to have avoided it. One night we decided to open a bottle of her favorite wine to toast her memory, and before I knew it my Step-Dad and I were making love on the living Hes only been dating her 3 months and Ive just been told he will be bringing her to visit when he sees us over the summer. Apparently my feelings and emotions didnt matter as I was read off an ultimatum. During this time, his GF proceeded to text and harass me non-stop about loving my dad, wanting to move in with him, and that I was a bitch who needed to get over my mom. Dear John, my mother passed on after a short sickness of Blood cancer. Giggling and judging other people to make themselves feel superior. Obviously, I cannot advise you. I think two equally lonely pp found each other and are love drunk I wish I could say someone was sane, but in the end, I just hope my dad isnt being played. I cant help but wonder what happens in the afterlife when a person has been married multiple times? I loved my wife deeply and will miss her for the rest of my life but I did start a relationship 3 months after her passing. After a year, my father broke up with the woman. She moved to Silicon Valley in 2017 to help start YouTube's Public Figures business, a team that helps traditional celebrities and TikTokers start YouTube channels. He is treated like a toy that gets discarded when the child is bored and he allows her to show no respect to his daughters. But he just told me that his dancing partner Judith is very special and will be coming over for dinner. Woke up today and also found out that they are sleeping and the condominium which my late mother bought for her and my mom. I feel she doesnt want us to grieve for him, but rather for her. How I struggle each and every day just to make it to bedtime and then get up and do it all over again, all while trying to be a good wife and mother. I dont trust this girlfriendshe doesnt have a very good job and has a hard time making it financiallyso worried that he is being taken and in the process stomping all over my moms memory. another woman. She would rather donate or sell items (and she doesnt need the money) that were my fathers instead of ask either me or my sister or either of our sons if they would like to have something of my fathers. WebAfter their fathers death, four siblings come together and stay with their mother for a week. They were married for 20 years. Fabulous job. (Shallow of me I know.) ET (Eastern Time) Monday to Friday, or between 10 a.m. and 6 p.m. Ive also been told that my mother didnt like her. I'm an American with T-Mobile. I now know that he would make the same choices again as he proves on a daily basis. Unfortunately my dad (47M) died in result of the pandemic in the end of 2020. A therapist sounds like it could help, but I know theres no changing my dads mind or attitude about anything. I constantly encourage him to keep a relationship with them, I dont want him to separate from them. I was experiencing more emotions in one yearthan I had ever felt in my lifetime. He still craved that companionship and the want to be close to a woman again. Dear Therapist: I Cant Turn to My Mom for Support After My 9 Likes, 0 Comments - Life Coach (@lindadrosdowech) on Instagram: I was struggling after my dad died with my moms dementia, extended family issues, and oh yeah, I would like for someone to tell me when its ok to date after a spouse dealth. WebAnswer (1 of 4): Im sorry for your loss. I know way back in my high-school days my mom who acted as the girl in their relationship had an affair I was devastated but to cut the story short when my mom died may 2018 months after around Dec this woman named Cecil started showing up at first I was angry memories and anger that I felt way back came rushing back it was Christmas I didnt want to ruin my moms night I stayed quiet and understood she needed companion. We all brought pizzas over and his girlfriend brought cookies & fudge, etc. In the beginning, the hugs, I love you, were always done in front of other people. When someone dies, especially a mother, the significant other isnt the only one to suffer a loss, it involves the entire family. You have to remeber they are human. It is so good to know that I am not the only daughter dealing with these feelings. In March, a recent widow called my dad and made contact. To make matters worse, they were even intimate within the 30 days following my moms passing. And I saw her mugshots-she was smiling in one of them. They said if they were in that situation they wouldnt be selfish like me. For the most part, my brother, sister and I have learned that theres no getting through to him. He has obviously made a choice to side with his new wife and you have to let it go and let him go. Are you willing to share yours? Then in August, he went to Cabo with her sisters and family. Since my father was near death almost 3 years ago, I feel my mother was and is jealous of the attention we gave my father. Try to find non-intrusive or organic ways when you can say, "mom, I'm here for you." I could really use some good advice on how to deal with all this. I actually kind of felt sorry for her. I never met the woman my dad is involved with. It took me a while but, with the help of my family, I got through it. Key Tip 1: In time, grief will diminish, although it sometimes takes a year or longer. Is she going to pay for her extra data if she causes it to go over? Maybe some of the older folks here could offer a little wisdom. WebMy father is dating after my mother died - Find single woman in the US with mutual relations. I would NEVER dream of discussing my sex life with him. I had always been very close to my Mom and I knew my Dad was lonely and miserable. In retrospect, I truly did need that time to just feel normal and not talk about it. He was kind of a hermit. The Day My Father Died Truly let go of anger, regret, fear and sadness anything holding you down. . NOW HE HAS TAKEN ALL THE MONIES OUT OF THE HOUSE MUM AND HE OWNED And on top of everything that was going on with my mommy, my dad and i hadnt been getting along for a couple years now. Like he didnt really want to be here. He cant go around the sadness or loneliness he feels. I mean really? She lives about 20 minutes away and unlike my father, still drives. I HAVE BEEN READING YOUR PAINFUL EXPERIENCES,MINE IS SIMIALR PEOPLE DONT UNDERSTAND THE PAIN IM IN.I HIDE IT NOW. They will be getting married September 10. Murdaughs wife, Maggie, and son, Paul, were found fatally shot on the familys Islandton property on June 7, 2021. Im 29 ok, my dad and mom were living with my moms mom in her house of 50years. He told me he was upset because my younger sister had hung up on him. She was diagnosised with pancreatic cancer and only lived for 20 monthsthose 20 months were so hard on her. If she cannot accept the girlfriendjust as I cant accept my dads girlfriendsometimes we must make choices others dont agree with. She would do something appalling and be banned from my sister or my home. I just feel so uneasy with herlike she is hiding something really big and I just cant put my finger on itchalk it up to resentment as this article says or jealousy or whatever, I just cant get over it. has taken our frustration to a new level. I have done my parents bills since 1977 but when I was extremely sick in 2014-2015 he told me he would take care of them. Here's what I learned through the pain, and what I hope to share with others. I dont want him to make a huge mistake. He once sent me a live version of Glen Campbells MacArthur Park and noted: Just listen to the bridge from 2:00 minutes until 4:20. I even told my mom not to give me anything, because I knew my dad would be awful. Yes, it is right to be sensitive. Try going to the movies, the shooting range, yoga, a football game, the aquarium, or some other activity that she loves. I think all the dads that want us to accept them so quickly in our lives should stop and take a minute to think about what it is doing to their children. I grew up feeling that my father was an intelligent, kind and warm gentleman who attends church every week. Over the years, I worked through my grief over the loss of my mother and accepted my fathers marriage. Then on top of it he went behind my back about this involvement with this woman. the new woman wife has new clothes, a new car, purses, things my daughter never had. Just make sure you give yourself the headspace to actually do it. We all want that. I dont believe that they only developed feelings after my moms death. He really only cares about himself. Good to know there are other people that have gone through similar situations and feel similar to me. Over these three years ive feel as the world is a very lonesome place without her and what i thought was a tight family was false. My mom and dad were married for 30 years. Well soon to find out a few months after i found out there secretly dating. By letting go, you are taking control of your life rather than letting your emotions control you. My parents had been together since they were 14 and 15 years old (and married since their early 20s), so my dad had no idea how to be alone. When she called the house and I answered the phone, she asked whos this as if it were any of her business. My phone bill is about $400 a month. I wasnt thrilled but she came and we had fun. My mom passed on in Jan/2009. I am left feeling very angry and I dont know why. Once they were in the ambulance, they were able to get my dad on machines and his organs pumping again, but they would never pump on their own again. The sooner the better. She asked me and my fianc if we would come stay and help her out. The other son would come up and visit Ellens mother who lived next door and then leave and go home without visiting Ellen. After she passed I found myself feeling very responsible for his well-being. And on top of this, if you actually read everyones comments, most of these people want the parent to be happy, but they are just not ready to meet their parents new friend. A good woman would honor her husbands relationships with his family to ensure his happiness. I dont want to have to cut him out of my life, but I am very angry with him for choosing his own happiness right now over his adult children, who are aching for his support. Father Dad died, my older brother, and i am 26 years old family. Our kids are simply amazing, they truly are. I felt, and still feel, as though I am left in charge of making sure he's okay. Does your mother want and/or need you to move in? I would never tear a family apart and act like the daughter on the outs must fix it, or cope or change so I could be involved with her dad. my dad went to her house, picked up ALL his belongings and is now living with me and my husband in OUR home together. I simply could not process the situation. Death is a hard and complicated thing. He has tried to give me the other womans phone number and told me to call him there. So I am a girlfriend of a Widower. From being a very close knit family to being estranged is quite something. He tells me not to bring my mom up in front of her. Dont tag grieving relatives in photos of the dead online. Innocence can never be restored completely even with effort and determination. After speaking with a few family members, I found out that my mom did not like this cousin. Boy was she right. He proved he was a lousy judge of character and that once he had committed himself to her he would not let go. After about two months, when I did actually want people to ask about my dad and to check in on me, I felt deeply sad that everyone had seemingly moved onand I was left painfully alone. dad 3) dad has a girlfriend. He left immediatly after we ate. . Then, they gave us each a framed wedding picture of themselves, and my dad asked me to put it in a prominent place so when she came over she would see it. It is so unspeakably insensitive to tell people that the pain and grief they are dealing with could be worse. Listen to them, support them, be there for them as much as they will let you, and pray, pray, pray. he expects everything to according to his place with her living and becoming our mother. She wont let us help her do anything if it pertains to my dad including going into his bedroom. Then in July, he went camping with her and her family. But if you don't have advance notice (or that type of relationship), be gentle with yourself. At this point, I am already now considering not attending Thanksgiving if she will be in attendance because the pain is still too great, especially for the first holiday without my Mom. Ive watched Ive watched several of your videos tonight. I do want to say a couple things, though: First off, both you and your mother (and your sister) might want to consider finding a good grief counselor soon. I miss my husband everyday and would love for my son to be able to grow up with his father, but I know my husband would want for my son to grow up with a happy mother. I understand that everyone needs someone, But i dont think it should be forced on the surviving kids/ relatives, at least not till their ready. My mom gave her kids somethings because she wanted to help her kids and grand kids. However, the horrors of the past and the selfishness and defence of the indefensible behaviour make visiting and caring all the harder. He is imposing her on us and is threatening ushe says we have everything to lose (he is the one with two daughters and three grand-children!). My husband and I have two beautiful and healthy adult daughters. Dave and to all of you that are hurting and grieving your beloved parents and family members, All he talked about was this womans body and how she works out everyday and she is model material. . If ended up asking my brother to take he for a walk just so I could get her out of my sight. I accepted that caring for her was as simple as asking her every day how she was doing on her own, listening to her share about the manipulations of her favourite soap opera characters, pick up meatballs to enjoy when she had made extra, and let her know about my day and my kids day so that we maintained a vital connection and strong bond during an extremely challenging and unique global experience. Havent really been able to talk to anybody except for my significant other. Hes always been eccentric. My mom passed a few months ago on March 23, 2016. I quickly looked at my dad and told him that her body wasnt even cold and she hadnt been cremated yet. Maybe even when my Mom was alive. I feel so sorry for you. I told her that my sister and I need to be alone with my dad from time to time. My dad met a woman one month after my moms passing but they ended up just being friends. I hope shes nice and will be my friend and be good to talk to. Some people it may take even longer and others, not so much. It sucks she has to work like a normal person but.. tough? We no longer had any type to normal life didnt do anything together. Sure, I want him to be happy, but does he really have to be so doggone thrilled and gleeful about it? Dont get me wrong. While guilt and regret can fester, Ive found that sadness be a safe place to go to when you want to tap into memories and feelings, instead. Now his girlfriend tells him all he wants to hear all while on top of all this being a covert b word only to me, leaving only my dishes (like one) that was mine while doing others, or locking the gate I come in so I have a problem or saying how she hated her own mom, never has she attempted to make me feel better or talk about my mom, I hate her more than anyone Ive ever hated before. my mom joined a support group of women going through the same thing. They consider that he has destroyed the family and he has betrayed them because we are going to get married. The damage done can not be undone. And, she had others she could turn to for conversations that didn't involve which track we should dance to. ive never meet her nor was notified of his relationship until recently when he decieded he wanted to move her here with us. My advice to anyone going through something like this is to not alienate yourself from your parent by shaming them or speaking ill of the person they are seeing. I am just not comfortable with that nor will I ever be. So, your parent is moving on and has found a new love. But, it has been tough. All you will be wanting is for your Mom to still be alive and well and for your Dad to be be with her and for all this never to have happened. He was a workaholic. My brother did not attend them either. Your mother will always be your mother no matter what, and no matter who else comes into your life or your fathers life. She spent a lot of time complaining about just about everything. Me & my sister who actually own the house these deadbeats are living in. dad They are not together because hes too proud to say hes lonely and she doesnt want her freedom to go out curtailed by someone who is not as fast and agile as he once was. I didnt even know if my dad was going to live and my mom had just past some months before and here I had to deal with her. father One thing I must emphasise to you is that you have nothing at all to feel guilty about and the fact that you are is as a result of your fathers behaviour. My husband and I were so shocked that we got sick. This was after she told me she wrote a poem about her perfect man which included her preferring him to NOT having kids or if he did the would like her and they could be a family and he being financially well off and how once she found my dad she knew it was him. Eventually, he announced his current girlfriend to us. Thank you so much for your advice. So, no, I cannot open a line of communication with her right now, maybe not ever. I feel very unwelcome there in fact have been there about three times since they married last sept. the whole situation makes me sick. It is his house to do with as he pleases and financially, my small family cant pick up and go. Told my parents to come here and live at not charge except maintenance and taxes on house , and that they could stay there forever. Sometimes, grief hits you in weird moments, but thats when you might need to let yourself live in that sadness the most. You have been. Wasnt she due a little more respect than this? It's a harsh thing to say, but sometimes during the grieving process you begin to think "why me" and "it's not fair to me", etc. My dad told me after that he didnt want to hurt her feelings or for me to seem so mean and selfish so he told her to do it, not caring or considering how it would upset me as Im about to walk down the aisle on my wedding day. But you get the gist of it all. We had no choice in this. Thanks so much for thoughts that I can easily transfer to my classes. What if the resentment comes from the girlfriend? If love is measured in sacrifice then she despises him. Even if this new romance proves long- lived and even if the person turns out to have an admirable and loveable character- the damage has been done. But I do agree the but family thing is just bs. Then I found out that meant his girlfriend took over his bills and other household tasks as well. While they were gone I went to the house and the girlfriend had packed up a ton of my Moms things. The love of our lives died right in front of us, helpless, all our dreams to grow old together and spend the golden years taking care of each other, see our grandchildren grow up, be with our best friend forever just vanished in front of us. My dad has said things about his sex life to me as well. He is so eagerly adopting a new family and a new identity, that it makes me wonder who he truly is and what/who he truly stands for. One year later (almost exactly), my dad told my sister and I that he was engaged. Not. I dont think his girlfriend should be living there after dating 3 months and then remove my mothers things so she feels more comfortable there. She is needy and always in our face. We have spent the past 21 months gradually allowing everyone to adjust to this new life. I feel his intimate friend is a traitor to my mother and if I could ever accept her, I would be a traitor to my mother. Totally inappropriate! It is a conscious choice. They had no children; it was for her relations. Some people says thats long enough but i dont feel that way. e treats us is certainly not making me happy. Which BTW is quite a bit. After attacking my sister we could not visit at her home. It's not on you or your siblings to support her. That i dont respect that she doesnt like the shampoo i buy her or the hand soap. Wait. Although both countries are going through economic difficulties if you are able to work and are not reliant on welfare there is in general a higher standard of living in the U.S.